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The Negotiator
Mommyagogo - November 2007 Newsletter At 18 months, my son's favorite word was "no." "Time for bed," I'd say. "No," was the inevitable response. I couldn't wait until he got older. "I'll be able to reason with him," I thought at the time. Ha! He's three now, and I suspect he's been using nap time to train for a career in hostage negotiating. "Time for bed," I say for the umpteenth time. "But mommy, the green and brown dinosaur in my closet is asleep - and he doesn't want to be bothered," he counters with a twinkle in his eye. "Well don't go in your closet, then," I offer. "But mommy, that's where my pajamas are, and I can't go to bed without my pajamas." Of course, he's right; he can't go to bed without his pajamas. And Lord knows I wouldn't want to be responsible for disturbing a dinosaur - or, more to the point - putting a damper on that creative imagination that is so much a part of who he is. Still, every parent needs to find a balance between being too lenient and coming across as too firm. Keeping in mind that no two families are the same, the following guidelines have served us well these past three years. 1) Be gentle. Losing your cool happens to the best of us, but it can't be the status quo. Kids need to hear "no" but they also need to hear why the answer is "no," and as often as possible, they need to be given alternatives to chose from. Dialogue empowers, and even three year olds need to exercise some free will from time to time. 2) My son once said "you're not the boss of me." I told him "you're not the boss of me either." If you're having trouble finding time for yourself, stop and think about when you lost control - and re-establish it, pronto. Mommies and Daddies need to make the rules, or it'll turn into a Barney-Eats-Thomas world - and we don't want to go there. 3) If we want respectful, polite, well-balanced kids, we need to demonstrate respect and realize that giving in can be as damaging as coming down too hard. A sense of balance comes from reasonable predictability, consistency and knowing where the safe lines are drawn. 4) To be prepared for life, children need to learn that certain behaviors are just not acceptable. Adults can't throw fits in the cereal aisle just because the grocery store is out of Count Chocula - and your kids shouldn't either. "Firm but fair" will help ensure they learn appropriate behavior and understand want vs. need. 5) Kids need to contribute to the household; it gives them a sense of accomplishment. Waiting on them hand and foot isn't the answer for either one of you. The moment they can do it, empower them: Let them pour the milk for the breakfast cereal. It may not feel like a load off your shoulders right away, but by building the capacity for self-sufficiency early on, you'll notice a difference sooner rather than later. Be Well Christine Christine Robinson is the founder of The Nesting Space (www.thenestingspace.com), a service that offers parenting coaching and education, mom and baby events, and wellness advice and support to early years parents from pregnancy to preschool in the Tri-Cities area. Her son is an expert negotiator and available for consultation by phone - as long as you call before nap time. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Helping your baby sleep better ... So you can too!
Wee Welcome - August 2007 Newsletter A sleeping infant can be a magical thing; those special moments when lullabies lead to slumber are cherished by mothers the world over. But all too often, the magic wears off in a few short hours - leaving many parents both sleep-deprived and frustrated in their attempts to appease the baby while meeting their own needs. "Getting my daughter to sleep through the night was like a quest for the Holy Grail; it became the mission of my life," says Maggie Whitcroft, 45, recalling her daughter Nicole's early sleep habits. "It wasn't just for her, either: It was for me too: Waking up every couple of hours was becoming torturous. It was having a negative impact on virtually every aspect of my life, and it had to end." Fortunately for Whitcroft, the ending was a happy one - and by balancing the following tips against your own motherly instincts, it can be for you, too. You already know from experience that an infant's sleep cycle is much shorter than yours: It's a fact of life that young babies are hungry and wake more often than adults.. The trick is in managing your infant's routine while picking the right time to teach them how to fall back asleep on their own. The time will come when the window of opportunity presents itself; recognizing it is the beginning of reaching that milestone, not only for your child's well-being, but to the well-being of your entire family. Research shows us that those sleep habits established in the first year have a far-reaching impact on sleep habits in adolescence, adulthood and beyond. Long range studies have determined that good early sleepers tend to stay that way throughout life; the reverse is true for those who fail to find peace between sundown and sunup. Conflicting Advice It's difficult to sort through the conflicting advice from different sources, especially if you're working on just a few hours sleep. What's most important is that you trust your motherly instincts: A solution that's "right" in one case may not be "right" in the next, and all information needs to be tempered with some good old common sense. That said, a full ten to twelve hour night's rest is a goal worthy of pursuing - for everyone involved. Here are a few tips to keep in mind as you come up with the solution that's right for you and your baby: •· Safety first. Make sure that your bassinet, family bed or crib is suitably safe for an infant to sleep in (see the Canadian Paediatric Society website for specifics about creating a safe sleep environment for your little one). •· Consider swaddling your child to instill a sense of warmth, comfort and security that will encourage your child to sleep. •· Create a full-day routine that your baby will eventually come to expect. A simple daily routine can begin with a newborn in the form of a predictable cycle. Begin with feeding, then playtime, followed by sleep time. When used consistently in the same order, your baby is likely to be more accepting of sleep time, making falling asleep and staying asleep more natural and predictable for everyone. •· Naps are an essential part of your infant's day. Establishing a consistent nap and bedtime routine (i.e. bath, reading, lullaby) that works for your child, is the first step to establishing good sleep habits. Try to put your baby down for a nap or for the night when he is sleepy but not overtired. •· After the first several months, if you normally feed your baby every time she wakes, start to lengthen the intervals between feedings by offering her something else, like gently patting her back to soothe her back to sleep. •· If your baby or toddler continually wakes during the night, try giving her a chance to fall back to sleep on her own; it could be that she is simply stirring and isn't really waking. Whether in your bed or in her own room, avoid the urge to rush in and rescue. •· Finally, regular and age-appropriate wake-up times, bedtimes, and naptimes make all the difference. It is a myth that children will somehow eventually "figure it out": Babies and toddlers need our help setting their internal clocks and the key is to be consistent without being overly rigid. No matter how well-thought out your plan, you're going to want to steel yourself for its implementation: As mothers, we are naturally attuned in those first weeks and months to respond to our baby's every cry. Many mothers have difficulty weaning themselves off of that instinctive response, caving in when the situation calls for standing firm. Self-Soothing Skills Eventually, there comes a point when responding to your baby's cries for attention can get in the way: Infants need to develop self-soothing skills, considered by many experts to be a developmental milestone, similar to the first few steps, or baby's first words. The challenge is finding the right time, place and circumstance - for you. So how did it work out for Whitcroft? "I remember it like it was yesterday: She woke up and started crying, and my husband and I laid there, holding hands, just listening," Whitcroft says. "I had tears rolling down my face and those few minutes felt like an eternity ... but then she fell back asleep again - and she's been sleeping ever since." Believe me, your baby will, too - and that wonderful, blissful night will arrive sooner than you think, when you and your infant start working towards it together. Be Well Christine
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